i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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