I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
