Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
