that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
