Got a toothbrush?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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