ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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