no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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