just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
