someone threw a dead crab at me
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
