Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she pinky promised me she was 18
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think your dad took our porno
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The Olympian is in my bed
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
