Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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