I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
