I CAN MOONWALK!
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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