you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
