neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
