Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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