i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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