God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
