it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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