I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize