She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
