she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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