The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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