It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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