I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
