Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize