We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
