We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
