It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
