So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
