Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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