I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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