Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
