is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
