She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We have started to decorate penises.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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