I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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