I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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