Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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