He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
