Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
