4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I think I won the penis lottery.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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