i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
