I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
