I accidentally burped into my bong.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
