You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
