Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
