after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
