i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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