Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
