Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
