whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hippo gnu deer
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
