Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
