I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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