fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
