Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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