I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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