Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
