just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
