i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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